Naysayers & Negativity ~ At Outsideways

Why do people write such nasty things on some blogs. I wonder if they were in the same room as the blogger would they say the same thing as written.

I have thoughts but I will make them over at Outsideways.

oops... back over here again. The comments on Outsideways were going in ways that wasn't really my "niche" so I am coming back here to post.

As part of an active homeschool community I hear this often from moms who are damaged by negative comments. Often it is about homeschooling but often the same people who have been hurtful about one topic have also been hurtful about others as well.

I try to point out all the same things you did, about where the negative is coming from. I also try to empower the mom in question by asking her if she would have niggling doubts if questioned about something main stream like driving a car or drinking water. The same "stance" you would have when questioned about one should be the same for another.

So if Auntie M were to say "it's freezing out, there is snow on the ground, and you are putting a winter coat on that child??" Well, you'd think she's a bit wacky and be able to firmly tell her that yes, the child needs to wear a coat in the 20 degree weather. You wouldn't internalize it and feel angst.

So when Auntie M says "you are homeschooling? How can you teach them, you aren't a teacher! They need to be in a classroom with other children....." etc..... Well, adopt the same spirit as my coat example. You have no need to defend yourself. You have no reason to wonder if she is right and you are wrong. Just pat her kindly on the arm and go about your business. :)

Another thing I wanted to comment on. This is actually a struggle I have. Where is that line of "they do things differently than we do but it's all good" and "oh my gosh, there's something not ok in that household".

How can I use my measuring stick to decide if I need to be "worried" about someone else's life style. Over the past 10 years I have had many occasions to be quite concerned over my brother's life (actually the life of his children). They live in dirt. They smell. They have few clothes that fit or are clean. They have no friends or acquaintances at all. They have many many many many animals living in their house. I could go on, but hopefully you get the picture.

I love these kids. They are part of my soul. It's been 10 years of being outraged and horrified, some of which has been expressed, along with trying my best to see their life as different than mine but no more right or wrong than mine is.

So, my question is, when is something just a different lifestyle and when is something just plain old wrong.

That line is SO moveable.

I wanted to pop over here to comment.

Beautifully written post. I'd like to add that I think naysayers are sometimes reacting in a defensive way because they feel their own choices are being judged. While it's never okay for people to criticize others in the way you describe I also think all of us sometimes need to be more careful choosing our words so we're not unintentionally being insulting or condescending.

Honestly, it's hard for me not to react this defensively when I hear people say they choose homsechooling because they don't want to turn their children over to strangers. Even though I understand where this is coming from I find it difficult not to take offense. I have a lot of respect for homeschoolers and think it's a great choice for some but for various reasons we don't feel it's the best fit for our family. I do recognize that I could be irrationally defensive so I work hard not to take a comment like that personally if I'm in a discussion or reading something written by a person who's being generally respectful. (BTW, I think this blog does a great job of discussing homeschooling values without trashing traditional schools.)

On the same token, I recently quit a large part of my job so I could be home more with my kids after school. It's been difficult for me to discuss this with women colleagues who also have children because I don't want to come off as judgmental of their choices. We can't control other people's reactions, of course but I do think we all have a responsibility to be as respectful as possible to those who choose different paths. Which I guess is part of your point, right? :)

Beth B, I really liked what you had to say. As a homeschooler I find it very hard to explain my reasons for homeschooling (which number in the hundreds) without sounding negative towards other people's choices. Education is not one-size-fits-all and I know what works for one family/child may not work for another. I do my best to say that the thought of putting my child into a chair at a desk in a brick building for 12+++ years makes me physically pained because it's not RIGHT FOR HIM. I do my best to say that I am very selfish because I want to be with my child ALL THE TIME. I LOVE being with him EVERY DAY. (I stress I because I know that not every parent has that need.) I want to experience all his "learning" moments be they frustration or those moments of understanding.

I try so hard to explain myself (to those who are truly interested) without making it sound like I am putting down the other person's choices. It's difficult, but I try.

Luckily, I can also throw in the fact that we travel A LOT with my husband for business. That kind of let's others "off the hook" because they can point to that as a reason I homeschool without it making it seem that I poo-poo their educational choices.

It's a difficult line to walk given any topic. Saying what's working for you and your needs without making it sound like someone else is a loser for not doing the same thing.