Personal

I don't usually look back over a past month and spend much time reflecting. I'm fairly forward thinking and like to look ahead more than over my shoulder. But as we move through the days of late summer, shifting gears to prepare for fall, I feel the need to make sense of August. To process and understand what has been a very intense month. The intensity of which I hadn't anticipated or planned for.

Part of the challenge of doing this in such a public space (I love writing for a public audience by the way) is that as much as I love to be open and honest I need to also respect certain privacies. I am doing my best to walk that line in writing this post.

Looking back, I learned new lessons this month and others were things re-learned and remembered.

Time & Life Management:

• Living according to your priorities is hard work. I'm not trying to balance it all. I know what my mission is but that doesn't mean the trust, surrender and daily discipline required to reach those goals is easy.
• Taking time each day to write is very important to me.
• Going swimming each week (friend's pools, freshwater beaches, mountain streams) is a non-negotiable for a summer as lovely as this. 
• I don't like coming face to face with my own inadequacies. I take pride in being competent, organized and in control. When I am not those things my sense of self worth plummets.
• When life is crazy it is hardest to eat well, get adequate rest and downtime, exercise in the outdoors, spend quality time together, pray, read and reflect. When life is crazy it is most important to eat well, get adequate rest and downtime, exercise in the outdoors, spend quality time together, pray, read and reflect.
• All plans are subject to change.

Kitchen:

• Making live fermented pickles (or are they called lacto-fermented?) is super easy and tasty. Why didn't I do this sooner??
• Amy's Frozen burritos make for a delicious, next-to-nil preparation supper and are a lot cheaper when bought through the buying club. In a pinch they can be heated on a cast iron pan. 
• On certain days cleaning the crafting, living, and sleeping spaces are optional. Cleaning the kitchen isn't.
• You can make chocolate cake in a mug!

Loving & Relationships:

• Friendship, connection and encouragement can reach across the internet and come from people you've never met in person.
• Taking the time to give my children long hugs gives us more warm fuzzies and well being than a brief encounter (duh, but really I'm consciously working on this).
• Loving this man means loving adventure.
• The unique joy of being both a daughter to my parents and a wife to my husband is getting sweeter all the time. In years past I sometimes felt (though I know this wasn't true) that I had to choose one or the other. This past month it was especially clear to me that I am resting in both at one time. What a gift.

Beauty, Gardening & Soul Care:

• A summer's day line dried sheets truly are one of life's simple pleasures.
• Our butterfly bush is the best investment we ever made for attracting butterflies to our backyard. That combined with a month of fabulous weather has brought multiple butterfly species, attractive moths and even a hummingbird to our backyard. I have watched this daily show through my kitchen window with deep, deep appreciation and awe.
• The Mitford Series has been the perfect summer read. Thank you to the friends who recommended it.
• Also recommended is All Creatures Great and Small. I am especially enjoying this audio version which the kids and I are listening to.
• Goldfinches like sunflowers.
• To quote Guy Clark, "There's only two things that money can't buy and that's true love and homegrown tomatoes".

I don't know what September holds. There are plans being made, dreams followed, dates on the calendar and general directions I want to move in but August has taught me to hold lightly to those things. And prepare myself to be flexible.

This past month there have been some hard lessons for a routine loving, plan knowing gal like myself. But there has been a lot of beauty in my life each day and love freely given. And I am so very thankful.

After the flood of e-mail (ok, four or so), including one this morning from my mom "you ok?", and comments to Friday's post I feel I need to come back to reassure you all. Everything's ok. It always has been but there is some upheaval in our family life right now. No emergencies or traumas, just change in the air that is putting my cozy life and comfortable routines in a state of flux. 

Even as a child I did not handle change well. My parents and I laugh now at the funny things I did in response to that most-dreaded nemesis of mine - change, aka transition.

But here I am a grown woman with children of my own and I must deal with this. And so that is what is going on.

Thank you all for your kind concerns. We went away this weekend to a small cabin on a lake. An outing planned months in advance that almost didn't happen because of my state of mind last week. But I'm so glad we followed through anyway. Photos and memories from this wonderfully relaxing weekend will probably be showing up on our blogs in the future. 

I have one last thought I want to share, though somewhat hesitantly. Many of you might have picked up that I am a follower of Christ. I guess you could say Christian though I often don't use that term since it carries so much negative baggage. I hate labels and prefer to just live and let my life show what I believe.

This morning I was drawn to read a scripture that gives me a lot of strength during challenging times. I'll be honest, the Bible or God's word, as I believe it to be, is where more and more these days I am drawing my strength and wisdom. I am reluctant to talk about this since there is too much religious talk in the world and not enough right living and I don't want to be another one of those voices that people just tune out as "being religious". I'm not, religious that is. But I have a faith in Christ and that is what I hold on to when I feel life floundering. 

After journaling this morning I found this passage and the first part about "at last you have renewed your concern for me" totally cracked me up after the outpouring of everyone's love in response to last Friday's post. Although Paul wrote this to the young church in Philippi a couple thousand years ago and my small concerns were nothing like his bodily suffering, the words he wrote are a teensy echo of my own experience. 

I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in whatever the circumstances.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

It's hard to wrap this up neatly after such powerful (at least for me) words. Contentment in all circumstances, even change and uncertainty. That is something I'm meditating on as I start this new week.

This has been an incredibly difficult week for me. And to add insult to injury I can't talk too much about it here and that's hard. I like writing out my angst. You should see the scrawl in my journals these days.

I briefly considered not taking my camera to the farm yesterday. Truth be told, I didn't even want to go to the farm to pick up our veggies. I wanted to just lay in bed or maybe write. But the veggies were waiting, the kids needed time outdoors and the day was just so beautiful.

That fact alone was another source of grief for me. I heap guilt on myself for not appreciating beautiful summer days. So when I'm in a funk on a such a day and not appreciating the gorgeous weather, I beat myself up for it. I'm pathetic and I'd like to some day get over my guilt complex.

Anyway we went to the farm and spent time swinging (Brienne and Laurent), reading (Celine), picking flowers (Brienne and I) and just hanging out. It was good.

Time at the farm didn't solve my problems and because Brienne forgot her shoes (only children forget shoes) I was late getting home for starting supper which added minor complication to our day. But it did get me out of the house, removed me from my (mostly in my head) problems, guilt, and exhaustion for an hour or so. 

And now I have these photos. Lovely photos. Photos that remind me of beauty not problems.

I love flowers and photography. And the farm.

(I hadn't intended or planned this post but it seems to be an unofficial Friday's Flowers post.)