FIMBY

I'm tired. Of trying to do everything really well, I can't. I can only do my best and what frustrates the heck out of me is that even my best isn't nearly good enough. Don't tell my kids I said this, I tell them the opposite all the time.

I'm tired of answering to mommy, cooking three homemade vegan gluten-free meals a day, perpetually cleaning the kitchen, loving my neighbors, organizing my home, hanging laundry, reading to my kids (gasp - how terrible is that?), coordinating our buying club, homeschooling, making my own soaps and salves, washing plastic bags, gardening, planning the budget and paying bills, hiking, washing the floor, picking berries, washing berries, freezing berries, washing greens, steaming greens, eating greens.

What I want right now is to write, without distraction and to be a rockin' photographer, long sigh......

I think I need a break from all my expectations. My husband keeps telling me I need to focus. I find that so hard because I love my varied and yet kind of cohesive creative, health-promoting, community-minded, planet-saving, life-beautifying pursuits. Ah, what's a mama to do??

Probably take a break, from which pursuit/obligation/interest I'm not sure. Something's gotta go or sit on the back burner. Which reminds me I have to go check that oil extract for making salve I have simmering on the stove.

Maybe I should run off and join the circus. Maybe I need to spend less time on the computer, ouch. Maybe I need to accept I'm not everything I want to be. Maybe I just need to shut up and go to bed early.

I might take a break from blogging, or a break from picking berries or a break from cooking - ha, I wish! I did promise a post today about nasturtiums. I'm almost done that and will post it soon - someday. In the meantime I will be taking a break from something to try and recharge my batteries and truly appreciate the wonderful life I have.

We're home now after camping 3 nights at Crocker Pond, in the White Mountain National Forest. A rustic and kind of buggy small campground overlooking Crocker Pond and Albany Mountain. A really lovely spot if you've got bug repellent and can boil water for cleaning up.

This past weekend was the first time I've had a really rotten hike. And here are my thoughts about that experience. As written in my 4x3 inch travel notebook while on the trail and later at the campsite. Tomorrow's post will be a little more upbeat.

Not all hikes are lovely.
Not all hikes are awe-inspiring, mountain conquests.

Some are buggy, boggy, bushwacking trials, or trails, of endurance.
Toe-stubbing, foot tripping, leg aching treks.

PMS at all the wrong times.
Lots of sweating and no shower at camp - ugh!

Weary tears of fatigue and frustration.
Unable to discipline myself to reach the summit.
Too tired to care.

So pathetic compared to my seven year old son,
whose energy is boundless and sense of adventure undaunted.

Seven hours of hiking, four hours too many.
Shaky legs, sweaty body, tie-erd feet.

Walk on through, rushing water.
One more creek crossing, end in sight.

My family went to see WALL-E tonight. Since it was a pay-your-own-way family outing I opted out. I have better things to do with my time and money (we all get a little allowance each week).

Like treat myself to a forbidden fluffy-white-bun toasted veggie Italian from the corner pizza shop (with cheese), followed by a butter crunch ice cream cone, at least that was a child's size serving. And because that wasn't enough I'm finishing with a bottle of beer and a bowl of popcorn shared with the cat, yes he eats popcorn.

I'm munching and drinking right now as I type this. Listening to the thunderstorm outside enjoying my evening of solitary indulgences. If we had a tv that works for more than DVDs, I might of even watched that.

Warning: Dad, don't read. For those of you who don't know my Dad, he's the owner of immaculately clean vehicles.

You know it's time to clean the car when there are little wormy things living under your kid's booster seats - Yuck!

I thought I might be obsessed with blogging and photography so I forced myself to take a break. I thought it would be possible to simply enjoy the beauty around me without processing it with my keyboard and and sharing it with my camera.

Couple things I've discovered. 1) Turns out I am obsessed. 2) Half of my joy in beauty is sharing it. So a break, although useful for getting a few household tasks accomplished, was downright painful.

I am past the point of no return so I've decided to simply give myself over to the daily pleasure of creative expression I've found in blogging. Not to mention the self indulgence of expressing opinions and advice no one's asked for.

So, assuming I can (I think I can, I think I can) maintain my responsibilities as a career home maker and home schooler. And still nurture my relationships as partner, mother, lover and friend; I will continue to feed my blogging addiction. Sharing daily or thereabouts snippets of family life, snapshots of everyday beauty, and my random thoughts.

I love blogging about the beauty and blessings in my life. My children, my garden, family hikes, good recipes, good books, the farm, daily struggles and sweet successes, lovely soaps etc... I also like that blogging allows me to get on my soapbox and vent the occasional rant.

But mostly I love sharing the "realness" of life and the beauty (it's my mantra this life season) of my children's creativity, their sparkly blue eyes and funky daily costumes, their spontaneous tickle laughter, the first bloom in my garden, the sharing of hospitality, a spring walk or a rushing mountain stream.

I'm taking a break now to enjoy those things, specifically I am not taking photos or blogging for a period of time. Not sure how long, a week maybe more.

And to be totally honest, I have some other stuff I need to accomplish with my spare time - house financial stuff, correspondence, gardening, planning for spring and summer and just being available for my family without distraction.

I'll be back soon but in the meantime you can check out:

• Just Pure Lovely for lovely homeschooling family life.
• Garden Path for Maine nature photography and poetry.
• Reconcilation for real honest-to-goodness community.
• Fatfree Vegan Kitchen for great recipes and photography.
• ...and I would of posted my sis-in-laws new hyper analytical anti-religion, child-directed guiding and nutrition blog(!) but she's just getting it off the ground.

See ya'll later.

not my photoThis post is the first in a new blog category called Keepin' it real you'll see what I mean...

The kids and I went for a walk/bike ride to Bates yesterday afternoon. We hung out there for a long time, and at some point I started to develop a craving for a sandwich, a rare treat in our mostly gluten free house. At around the same time I was suddenly motivated to let the children play longer than I had planned, riding round and round, up and down. What a kind, patient, activity friendly mother I was. Soon enough, surprise, surprise, it was late in the afternoon and supper hadn't even been started - oh darn!

When we got home tired and hungry I met a husband already home and receptive to the idea of dinner out. Turns out he had been craving a burger. Like the kind made with meat, served on, gasp, a wheat bun! Graciously we supported each other in our hour of need and decided to go out for supper to Ruby Tuesdays. And although they have a lovely salad bar the only one who ate from it was Celine (along with her 2 mini-burgers and fries - that girl can eat). The rest of us ate chicken fingers, fries, and various burgers - all real meat and real gluten. No doubt the meat was CAFO raised which I'm actually truly bummed about. I even considered range-fed bison to avoid this problem but settled on (cringing) nitrate laden bacon.

One night we're standing in solidarity with the world's poor eating rice & beans and the very next night we're eating factory farm, petroleum dependent (fertilizers and transportation costs), chain restaurant food. And you know what - it tasted great! Yikes.

Damien's brother and his family are arriving tonight for a 2 week stay at our house. This is their first visit to Maine and I've been busy scrubbing and polishing our home to (let's be honest) make a good impression. Our house doesn't get scrubbed very much, tidied & vacuumed yes, but deep down cleaned very rarely.

This morning when scrubbing the bathroom floor I made a startling discovery. Our tile doesn't have a natural grayish finish and our grout is actually white, not gray. I'm somewhat embarrassed to say that I have never, in the 2 years we've lived here, scrubbed the bathroom floor. Only mop washed it once every month or so (this is no lie - I really don't wash floors very much).

I'm not sure how I feel about this discovery... There is a certain ick factor thinking of the years of grime that have been building up on the floor. But more importantly I'm afraid that now I know it's actually not gray I'll feel obliged to keep it that way!